Grief
by OTH-FOQ
Summary: PART 1: After Emily's death in "Lauren", Spencer needs to talk to someone. For the third time, she picks up her phone when she sees his name on the screen. PART 2: Emily's back and Reid's not doing so well. REID/ELLE
1. Chapter 1

**_Okay, so, I'm not at all satisfied with this one-shot but I had to post something to keep me writing. Inspiration's gone on holidays, it seems._**

**_Anyway, this scene takes place right after JJ told the team about Emily's death in "Lauren" and before the funeral._**

**_To understand this story completely and fully enjoy it, I suggest you read "Memory Lane", "A Night Visitor" and "A Shoulder to Cry On" first._**

**_Please, tell me your thoughts on this one. Thanks._**

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Some days Elle Greenaway hated her life. This was one of these days. It was almost three in the morning, and she was ready to go to bed after an exhausting day at the office in Seattle filing reports, but her phone started buzzing. She swore and picked it up. When she saw the ID, she suddenly didn't feel so sleepy anymore.

Since she had left the BAU four years and eight months ago, he had only called her twice. Sure, they had exchanged letters and e-mails but they had never seen each other and they had tacitly agreed not to call or ask for a meeting unless it was vital—or at least really important. He had respected the deal. The only two times he had called, it had been to tell her about Hotch being in the hospital, and then about Haley's death. Elle had never been the one to dial his number. The only member of her former team she had seen after leaving was Hotch. And Gideon too, when he occasionally came to Seattle, but he had quit a year after she had resigned from the Bureau.

Tonight, watching her phone ringing in her hand, Elle shivered. A call from Spencer meant bad news. And as much as she wanted to pretend that she hadn't heard her phone and let him leave a message, she knew she couldn't. She had to answer. So she did.

"Reid ?"

"Elle ?"

Just by hearing her name said with such emotion in his voice, Elle knew something was terribly wrong. She sat down on the edge of her bed and held her phone tighter.

"Reid, what happened ? What's wrong ?"

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't call but…"

He was crying. Little genius, her _friend_ was crying. It broke her heart to listen to his sobs. There was nothing she could do from the other side of the country.

"Spencer, talk to me. Has something happened ?"

"It's Emily… He killed Emily, she's gone…"

"Wait… Emily Prentiss ? She's… She's dead ?"

"Yeah. I just got home from the hospital and I… Elle I can't stop crying. It hurts… Why does it hurt so much ?"

She knew his question was rhetorical. There was no answer to that, no good answer. She could feel his pain through the phone; his voice conveyed so much sadness and grief that she almost wanted to hang up just to spare herself the feeling of powerlessness that was invading her in that exact moment. But of course she wouldn't do that. Spencer needed someone to turn to.

"Can you tell me what happened ?"

"It's a long story. I… She wanted to protect us from her past and it backfired. We couldn't get there in time, and she died in the hospital."

Elle could barely make sense of what he was saying, but she understood the most important part : Emily, the agent that had arrived shortly after her departure, was dead. And Reid was crushed. He was probably blaming himself.

"I already lost you, and Gideon, and now Emily… Why does this keep happening to me, Elle ?"

"Spencer, listen to me. First of all, you did not lose me. I'm here with you, on the phone, okay ? I'm your friend and I'm not forgetting about you. Never. And I'm so, so sorry to hear about Emily… I know she meant a lot to you and you had a great deal of affection for her. I wish I could do something but..."

"You already do. You're talking to me. You're listening. Thank you, Elle."

And yet she felt like it was nowhere near enough.

"Do you… Do you need me to come ? Because I will if you ask me. I can be in a plane in an hour and—"

"No, it's okay. I… I just need some time. I guess I'm in shock. This was _not_ supposed to happen… I didn't… I didn't even say goodbye !"

She kept the phone to her ear, listening to him crying, and her eyes closed. There was so much distress, so much hurt that Elle actually had to take a deep breath in order to keep herself from crying too. She had _never_ heard Reid so upset. Briefly she thought of her time spent with the team and how close they had become before everything had fallen apart. And then she thought of Emily Prentiss, a woman she had not known but read so much about in Reid's letters, and her heart clenched. She seemed to be a great agent and Elle couldn't even begin to imagine how her death would affect her team. She had a vague idea of the pain they were probably all feeling. It had been hard to leave the BAU and not a day went by without her thinking of the team she had left behind. Of what could've been had she not been shot in her house that day. Of how close they would be now.

"Reid ? You still there ?"

"Uh, yeah… I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have called… I hope I didn't wake you up."

"No, you didn't and it's alright, you did the right thing by calling me. I'm sorry for your loss, Spencer. I wish I could help, or tell you that it's gonna be okay but… You're not stupid. You know how it works."

"Yeah."

His sobbing had stopped, and Elle guessed that he couldn't cry anymore.

"You're exhausted. You should try to sleep."

"You think I'm gonna be able to sleep ?"

"No, but you need to rest so just put some music on, lie down and close your eyes. I'll call you back in the morning. I'm with you, Spencer. You're not alone."

He remained silent for a while, and then she heard a whisper, so low that she almost missed it :

"Thank you."

Then the line went dead. Elle sighed and put her phone down next to her. How was the team coping with their partner's death ? She had a feeling she didn't want to know. She just hoped that they would help each other and that in time, they would get better.

Shaken by her conversation with Reid, it took Elle another whole hour before drifting off to sleep, her mind filled with bloody images of dead bodies and Spencer Reid's cries echoing in her head.

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_**I originally wanted to write another part, where Reid announces to Elle that Emily is in fact alive, but I wasn't sure I'd know what to write. So we'll see. Would you be interested in another short story ?**_

_**OTH-FOQ**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**This takes place in 7x02 "Proof" after Reid and Emily's talk on the plane on their way back to DC and before the team meeting at Rossi's house for a cooking lesson.**_

_**Summary : After his confrontation with JJ and his conversation with Emily, Reid needs someone to listen to him.**_

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The incessant buzz of her phone on the table finally got the best of Elle's precious sleep. She fumbled in the dark for a few seconds and managed to catch it right before it fell from the bedside table.

"Hello ?"

"Am I waking you ?"

Shit. She had forgotten to look at the ID on the screen before answering.

"Yes." She said honestly.

"Good. At least you'll be as pissed as I am."

"What ?" She asked while rubbing her eyes with her free hand.

"Emily's alive," Spencer said, not at all caring for dropping such a bomb on Elle.

Elle paused and tried to process the words. Then, carefully, she asked:

"Reid, are you feeling alright ? Are you… drunk ?"

"What ?!" He exclaimed in a high-pitched voice.

"Spencer, it's been months now since Emily's death. You have to move on." She answered as gently as possible.

"I'm not drunk !" She heard him protest. "Emily is alive ! JJ and Hotch covered her death to make sure Doyle wouldn't come after her, and now she's back and I don't know if I can take it !"

"Okay, Reid, stop. You're gonna have to slow down if you want me to understand. You wrote me about Emily's past, and about her funeral, and about how the team was coping. Now you tell me that she's not dead ?"

Reid had written a nine-page letter to Elle in order to explain everything in details about Emily Prentiss' death and its aftermath. She knew as much as he did now, and his words didn't make any sense. Emily was dead.

"JJ lied to my face ! She… I cried in her arms ! All this time she knew that Emily was somewhere in this world, breathing, walking… And I was crying ! I was mourning a friend and she looked me right in the eyes and told me that it was killing her too. She even cried with me !"

Elle could only listen as he went on and on about how JJ had betrayed him and how much he hated her now and how he couldn't believe he used to trust her with his life. His monologue lasted at least five minutes before he finally had to stop to breathe. Elle took that opportunity to talk.

"Well… I must say I didn't see that one coming. Who else knew besides JJ ?"

"Just Hotch. They… They had her transferred to Bethesda as soon as she was stabilized. We waited for hours before JJ came to tell us that she hadn't made it."

At this point, even through the phone, Elle could tell that Spencer's tears were not of sadness or anger, but of rage. She had never heard him so furious.

"Reid, you have to calm down. When did you learn the truth ?"

"A few days ago. I was… so shocked. And then I was so happy to see Emily, to be able to talk to her, to hold her… But… Now all I feel is anger and hurt !"

"Reid, what did you say to JJ ?"

"I… Why do you ask ?"

"I was a profiler, once, remember ? I know you're hurting, and I know that you're taking out your anger on JJ. So, what did you say to her ?"

There was a short-lived silence and then a loud sigh before he answered.

"I've been a little harsh. But I don't regret it. She disappointed me, Elle. I can't forgive her for that, and I can't trust her anymore, and it kills me because I love JJ; she's like a sister to me."

"What about Hotch ? Did you say something to him, too ?"

"I… It's different."

"How so ?"

"I went to JJ's house because I needed her support and I thought she was hurting as much as I did, and she let me cry on her shoulder for weeks. I've never talked to Hotch about Emily. It might have been his decision, but JJ was his accomplice and _that_ I can't forgive. I almost started taking Dilaudid again. Do you know what it feels like when you're drowning and there's nothing to hold on to ? I'm… How am I supposed to react, Elle ?"

"Reid… What did Emily tell you ?"

"She said that she understood why I was mad, but that the choice had been really hard and that she had mourned the loss of six of her friends."

He chuckled bitterly and added:

"Like she knows what I've been going through. We thought she was dead, for fuck's sake !"

"Reid !" Elle exclaimed.

She had never thought her little genius of a friend could actually swear.

"And even if she couldn't talk to us or see us, she knew we were alive ! God, you should have seen the look on Morgan's face when he saw her !"

"Okay, listen to me Spencer. Honestly, I think that what she meant was that she didn't know if she would ever come back to you guys. I think she really believed she'd never see any of you ever again. And it was a possibility. She would have had to start over without you and I guess that's what she meant by saying that she mourned the loss of six of her friends."

Apparently her words managed to calm Reid because he remained silent for a good while after that. She listened to his breathing that was regulating itself after his earlier outburst of emotions.

"Now, Reid, I perfectly understand how you feel. Believe me, I do. But try to see things from JJ's perspective. I think it was really brave from her part to do what she did. Can you imagine how hard it must've been to lie to her own family and friends ? To make you all believe that she was as sad as you were ? And you know, in a way I think that she was. She lost Emily too, and she knew that if the truth was revealed, she would lose you as well. Yet she took that risk anyway because it meant protecting a member of her family. She was willing to risk losing your friendship to save Emily's life. Don't you think it must've hurt her too ? I'm sure it must've broken her heart to see you cry, knowing that she was partly responsible for it. Don't you think she has already enough to feel guilty about ? Please, Spencer, just take a moment to think about it."

Elle stood up and walked around the bed to open the window. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She was trying to talk some sense into Reid but really, she needed some time to process all the information, and maybe forgive JJ herself too. After all, Elle had received desperate letters from Spencer during the past few months. She knew about his struggle with Dilaudid because he had told her about Tobias Hankel. Had she been psycho-Elle at this time she would've probably yelled at JJ for going separate ways at Tobias' even though it wasn't the blonde's fault at all.

"The team's going to Rossi's tonight. Emily asked me to come. Do you think I should ?"

His voice was back to normal, devoid of its angry tone. He almost sounded vulnerable.

"That's not my choice to make, Spence. Do you think you can forgive them ? Do you want to ?"

"Of course I want to."

"It's going to take some time, you know that ?"

"Yes, I know."

"But I think that going to Rossi's tonight would show them that you are ready to let bygones be bygones. That maybe you'll understand their choice. Reid, remember that you're all lucky to be alive and to be reunited, okay ? You don't know how long that will last. I say, enjoy it."

"Thank you, Elle."

"No problem, pretty boy." She said with a smile.

"Have you been talking to Morgan ?" Reid asked with a chuckle.

"Don't you have somewhere to be, now ?"

She didn't need to see him to know that he was smiling.

"Yeah, I think I'll let you sleep now. Thanks, Elle, really. I miss you."

"I miss you, too. And your statistics."

They shared a laugh and said goodbye to each other. Elle hung up and put her phone back on the bedside table. Then she closed the window and went back to bed. She had said the truth; she really missed Reid. But somehow she couldn't meet with him yet. She knew it would make her regret leaving the BAU. It would make her feel nostalgic and wondering what could have been if she hadn't snapped and killed Lee. And Elle Greenaway had long ago decided that she would not live a "what if" life.

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_**So that's it. All the mistakes are mine (not that I'm proud of them). **_

_**I'll gladly read your reviews so give me something to reply to ! :)**_

_**OTH-FOQ**_


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